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There are two guiding principles Paul gives us in the practical outworking of our relationships. The first one, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit" (Ephesians 5:18), and the second, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). It is under the umbrella of these two guidelines that relationships prosper and grow, including the sometimes very difficult ones with our children. Most of us wish we could do a better job, and we go through times of discouraging introspection where we wonder what more we could have done. There isn't a more informative and enlightening way to raise our children than adhering to the wisdom of the oldest book in circulation… the Bible.

Of the relationships between parents and children, Paul writes, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1-4). Though Paul addresses this last verse to fathers, we can legitimately include mothers as well. Along with loving submission on the part of the children, Paul is saying there has to be loving sensitivity on the part of the parents. We need to be very careful in the way we exercise our God-given authority over them. It is out of love for our children and reverence to Christ we submit to their individual needs and personalities without making unreasonable or inappropriate demands.

We don't get a practice run. We make our mistakes and learn along the way, discovering that parenting is probably the greatest challenge to our selfishness. Philip Yancey said that children draw out of us the most important thing in our lives, which is that we sacrificially love and care and lay down our lives. When Paul gets down to the very practical issues of life, he does not detach them from Christ or our relationship with Him. Rather, he says this is an integral outworking of our relationship with Christ, and that our childrearing and family life is a spiritual exercise. It has been said, "All our earthly relationships are to come out of a heavenly framework." This is not something additional to our spiritual lives, but in all our relationships, being filled with the Spirit lies at the core of it.

Paul includes children first and speaks directly to them. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." The word 'submit' is upgraded to 'obey' because it is vital to their well-being and growth that they obey the instruction, training and disciplining parents give them. Training is the positive, and disciplining is the correcting, which should always be in a context of love. Children need to know someone they trust is making decisions for them. They need boundaries, and though they will test the boundaries, it gives them a sense of security knowing they are safe and secure within them. Parents have to be consistent in disciplining their children when they cross those boundaries, otherwise the boundaries will keep bending and breaking, and the child becomes confused and insecure. To borrow a line from Stuart Briscoe, "Be firm, be fair, be fun."

Paul speaks next about honouring our father and mother, which apply to both the dependent child and independent. However old we are, we are to honour our father and mother and that is to continue right through our lives. To honour is to respect, to be kind, to care for and to love, but for many adult children this isn't reciprocated. Sometimes we have to stand apart from our parents. Jesus said He did not come to bring peace, but a sword, and that a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. (Matthew 10:34 & 36). In this context, Jesus is talking about Christians being ostracized by family members because of their faith in Him. Some will believe and accept, while others won't, but regardless, we are to honour, respect and pray for our parents.

Paul then says, "Do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Training is most probably meant morally, and instruction, mentally. Proverbs 22:15 tells us, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child," and Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Disciplining isn't pleasant at the time, but as Hebrews 12:11 says, "It will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." We bring our children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. We expose them to the Word of God, and we live lives that are true to Scripture and that exhibit the presence of Christ within us.

Elizabeth Elliot wrote, "Parents used to want their children to be good, and as a result of being good they were usually happy. Now there has been a subtle turn – parents want their children to be happy." Often being happy does not include being good. As parents, we must provide for our children the opportunity of being good and the happiness will look after itself. It is important to teach our children to serve and care for the needs of others, so they become responsible adults who bring benefit to their own families and the world around them.

We also need to make it easy for children to trust God by showing them that we trust God, and by bringing Christ into every facet of our lives. Children learn by example, and as the old saying goes, "things are better caught than taught" It is also important that we allow them to develop their own personalities. They are not an extension of us, and finding out what energizes and excites them, and motivating them in that direction will help them develop their own unique identities.

Spiritually, we cannot impose the Christian life on our children, but rather be sensitive to the working of the Holy Spirit in their lives. Children are easily influenced, and we can provide them with a false sense of security by giving them the impression they must believe in certain things simply because we do. Inevitably, as they get older, they will develop resistance, and one of the worst things we can do is create such an expectancy in our children that they will rebel against it. We also have to be mindful that nothing turns our children away more than hearing all the right things from us, but seeing something totally different at home.

We cannot save our children. They have to become Christians for themselves, but what we can do is live before them in such a way that the relationship we have with Christ is real and evident to them. Our homes should be a place where we live in the fullness of the Holy Spirit and where we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. The greatest contribution we can make to our children is demonstrating that our lives are lived in dependence upon the Holy Spirit. Eventually, they'll leave home and be exposed to all kinds of philosophies and things that have gone wrong in this world. We have to trust that the nurturing and caring they received at home will cause them to meet not with dad's God or mom's God, but with their God. That is the best we can do for our children and we leave the outcome to God.